JEWISH JOKES
Welcome to my Jewish jokes section!! Incase you are wondering, YES, I'm Jewish and these jokes are not meant to be offensive but funny so feel free to laugh at these jokes whether you are a Jew or Gentile as long as you remember that these are jokes and not more :) <--- SMILE!!!
A lot of the Jokes you will find on this page were found randomly on the Internet from various websites, books, newspapers, magazines, etc...
Top 10 Jokes of the week!!
(E-Mail me to request that a Joke be put up on the top 10 list!! Especially do so if you make up a joke yourself!) [email protected]
10:
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a
priest.
He
give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for
the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to
congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were
just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow
Goyim..."
9:
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to
be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly
executed.
Abe
requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But
they are out of season."
"So,
nu, I'll wait . . . ."
8:
Moishe walks into a post office to send
a package to his wife.
The
postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"
7:
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of
Jewish mothers?
A:
"Is anything OK?"
6:
Yitzhak and
Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I
don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if
there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When
the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I
don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The
waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are
you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I
ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews
and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
5:
One day,
Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom
tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to
£60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out
with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it
without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you
understand, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous,"
says the woman, "book my husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
4:
Sadie tells
Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a
schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the
day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be
the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why
only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
3:
Moshe was
eating in a Chinese restaurant and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise because our culture is 4,000 years old.
But Jewish people are also very wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture is 5,000 years old."
The
waiter was surprised to hear this. "That can't be true," he replied, "where did
your people eat for a thousand years?"
2:
“I'm
getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh?
What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I
had that done when I was just a few days old.”
“Did
it hurt?”
“I
couldn't walk for a year.”
1:
Shlomo goes
to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him,
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I
must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."